Written by members of the community
Issue 10
WORLD NEWS
GRAVESITE PLUNDERED
The town guard is looking for information regarding the recent disinternment of a local man’s body from the Yew cemetary. Jethro Mctavish had been buried three days prior, and there is no indication that the corpse had been defiled in any way. However, locals are convinced that the responsible party was looking for McTavish’s coveted fried turkey recipe which he swore that he’d take to the grave with him. No additional leads have been pursued so far in the case.
BOWYER CRAFTS LEDENDARY CROSSBOW
Fervent bowyer, Yohan Yorguson embarked upon the task of reconstructing the fabled triple crossbow; following the original design of the celebrated Iolo Fitzowen. Yorguson was very tight-lipped about how he had acquired the long-lost plans, but stated that he had paid a pretty penny for them. With a small crowd assembled, Yorguson offered a demonstration of the weapon which would allow the marksman to strike three targets simultaneously. Future development of the weapon has been put on hold until further testing can be done. There is no further news on the medical condition of two innocent bystanders who were injured during the test.
YOU WILL BE MISSED
Their time with us was brief, but now they are somewhat gone. Shall we ever see their like again? Majestic and proud, the mammoth mutant turkeys shared our lives for that short but exciting time, where it was not unheard of to wake up in the morning and look out the window, to spy a large curious eye gazing back at oneself. Alas, it was not to last. Surely, there were differences between our two species, and who can blame these poor creatures whenever they tried to eat us. After all, we look like tasty corn to them. Perhaps it was for the best for both species that the Mystical Herders led them off to the Hidden Valley of the Mammoth Turkeys, where they can roam free and call out to each other in the swirling mists of that magical place. Maybe, they will return, some day…
DAY OF GLUTTONY EAGERLY ANTICIPATED
This year it appears that no kitchen tables will go empty following an initiative by Britannia’s armsmen and warriors to provide foodstuffs to fill the land’s larders. Logicians feel confident that the cornicopias will will be sufficient to supply insane amounts of never-ending food to meet the needs of the people this thanksgiving season with plenty left over for turkey sadwiches, casseroles and soup leading up to Christmas. Already, Britannia’s brave warriors are shlepping through the bogs fighting off hoards of plague beasts and lizardmen to secure the needed cranberries to accompany the Thanksgiving repast. Belt buckles are already being loosened and tailors are rubbing their hands together greedily in anticipation of the upcoming gorge-fest. Meanwhile, the captain of the guard is familiarizing his men with the new lightning staffs that will be replacing their usual halberds. The new devices will be employed on Black Friday to control the unruly shopping mob the following day, where store owners will bait competitive shoppers with an artificial scarcity of limited trinkets and gee-gaws that will be fought over with tooth and nail. The town guard will then be called in to subdue the feral crowd. The guards’ eyes twinkle, looking upon the new toys with visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads. And by sugarplums, we mean shoppers; and by dancing, we mean limbs flailing from electric shocks. Everyone looks forward to a memorable Thanksgiving holiday.
TRAVELOGUE
TURKEY DAY TIPS
If you waited to the last minute to buy a turkey and are tempted to obtain one through a back alley deal, be certain that the person you are dealing with is a certified poultry handler. Certain little things like tattoos can tip you off that the individual you are dealing with is not entirely on the level. Sure, poultry dealers wear gloves, aprons, and have blood all over them, but so do other unsavory types as well. Any legitimate poultry dealer should be well versed in a number of poultry related songs. Ask him to share one of his favorite poultry ditties. If he can’t think of one, get out of there quickly. Just remember these tips, and play it safe this Turkey Day.
ARTS AND LIVING
Bacons of Fate
by Anora Knowles
A bacon did rest in it’s glory upon yon shelf..
Thusly a person emerged from the room down the hall and approached the glorious bacon, upon yon shelf, and did yawn heartily as they didst reach for the bacon. At this time, it is unknown what the glorious bacon upon yon shelf didst think about as it faced utter oblivion in the bowels of a random person from a room down the hall; but we can safely assume it was considering it’s totality in the universe. Things had come full circle. Perhaps this is the fate all things face.
Perhaps it is the fate of all glorious bacons in the realm. Perhaps this is all a dream we cannot wake from until we have tasted the glorious bacon for ourselves. But perhaps we look deep inside and blame fate for the way things have become.
The End
HOROSCOPES
The Peddler-January
There is no point in fretting over the little or big things. Don’t cry over spilt milk or over the throwing out the baby with the bathwater.
The Mongbat-February
You will find yourself on the pursuit of a very powerful artifact and your journey will take you to an old crone of very few words who will bargain for information in exchange for a wrinkle cream made from the extract of a unique orchid that grows in the shade in the bogs in the Fens of the Dead. Hopefully, this useful tip will save you a lot of time.
The Phoenix-March
They are counting on you to be the one who will bring the turkey for the Thanksgiving dinner this year, and it will be dry and overcooked. You will apologize and everyone will comfort you and tell you not to concern yourself over it. But, inside they will never forgive you for ruining Thanksgiving.
The Sea Dragon-April
Keep Uncle Jim away from the liquor this year. You know you can’t even give him one little glass, because he gets all crazy and something is going to get broken again.
The Hermit-May
A wonderful economic opportunity awaits you just beyond the Felucca Yew moongate. Just be certain to bring something or several things of great value with you to demonstrate your inherent worth.
The Llama-June
You should be more discerning in showing kindness to particular individuals. If you give a tasty apple to a hag, she’ll probably put poison in it, and pass it onto someone else.
The Ancient Wyrm-July
It is virtuous to resist temptation whenever it presents itself. But, really…who puts a turkey on their porch to cool off? They’re just begging for someone to take it, and better you than some stranger. Right?
The Anvil-August
Lord British awaits you in the underworld. Remember to bring with you the sandalwood box, obtained by opening the secret panel revealed by playing the first 18 notes of Stones on the harpsichord.
The Weaver-September
The “kind” mentor that has taken you in since your parent’s unfortunate deaths and is training you to unlock your latent power so that you may open a secret chamber so that he may obtain a powerful artifact that will make him immortal and unlimited in power is using you. Hopefully, this warning will save you about 20 years of rigorous training ending in a burned-out shell of a world. If not, oh well…
The Wisp-October
You are a carefree spirit, and live on the wind. You have great hair and you smell like fresh baked cookies.
The Unicorn-November
Sometimes helping people has unforeseen consequences and you have to show judgment when ministering assistance to others. You can teach a hungry, blind man to fish, but if you give him a boat, you’ll probably never see him again.
The Wanderer-December
You cannot eat your cake and keep it at the same time, unless you’re the time lord, in which case you can go back in time before you ate the cake then take it for safe keeping. But, wouldn’t that prevent your past self from being able to eat the cake in this first place? Maybe, going back in time and carrying out such an act would disrupt the time stream resulting in an alternate time line where you would be enjoying delicious cake in a world inhabited by 15 foot tall bat people. Kind of makes you think, doesn’t it?
(If you would like to help write stories for the yew times. Email them to yewtimes@hotmail.com)