Written by members of the community
Issue 7
WORLD NEWS
Summer Games Draws Crowds
The crowds are gathered for the spectacle called the Britannian Summer Games. This year’s sponsors of the games is Serpent Cross Frozen Tavern Treats, all your 80 proof favorites on a stick to beat the summer heat. Athletes are present from all eight major cities along with participants from the Royal City in Ter Mur, so we expect some fine competition this year. The event took off with a bit of an upset, when the torch runner disappeared en route and was never seen again. The torch however did show up on a Luna vendor priced at 50 million gold. Despite the delay, the fans are very geared up this year. Vas Mag-Dig of the Royal City took the gold at thumb wrestling; a real spoiler for the gargoyle haters out there, and there’s sure to be some agitation amongst the fans when the time comes for the jumping events. In the corral potion toss, Lady Lagfest of Minoc scored a gold with a record 12 sheep taken out by a single purple potion; a top record to be sure. The Boozeball event is being postponed until later in the games due to players suffering extreme dehydration during the practice sessions. The red-baiting event was recently concluded with Duke Sandwichpress of Yew drawing in 8 murderers to the Felucca Yew moongate with 7 successful guardwacks. This is some of the best taunting seen in this event. The competition was unable to ramp up their atagonizing to draw in the fence-sitters, and Sandwichpress takes the gold. Sofandra of Moonglow received a postumous silver for her effort, with Neb of Jhelom trailing with a bronze.
Museum of Death Suffers Poor Fate
Tragedy struck Saturday, when flames erupted from the Museum of the Macabre during its grand opening to the public. Patrons were escorted to safety as bucket brigades battled the conflagration to no avail. Those loyal to the museum’s curator, managed to to rescue all but a decorative cabinet from the burning structure. Investigators are questioning witnesses on an alleged individual fleeing the scene of the event.
Britannia’s Event Monitors Not Cannibals Says Mesanna
Britannia spokesperson Woot-Woot Barney today denounced as “mere speculation” reports that the Event Monitors lured players into a Tokuno wooded area for an Iron Chef Competition. “They were the chefs,” Town Drunk accuses, “And we were the ingredients.”
This reporter stared at the veteran player, as he leaned noticeably to the left in the saddle.
“What happened?” I asked.
“It was horrible. Some of us followed runes marked ‘Good Food’ to a woods. We were jumped by EMs wearing chef’s hats & carrying cleavers. They slaughtered several people I knew and popped them into Hags caldrons full of boiling water. Then they danced around the caldrons adding spices and chanting, ‘Kick-it-up-a-notch.'”
“They chased me,” Town Drunk said, “Yelling, ‘Get that one! He’s already marinated.'”
The big man shifted uncomfortably in his saddle, leaned left again and fixed me with his steely eyes. “I can show you proof,” he said.
Town Drunk looked around carefully. Then he dismounted and mooned me.
OMG! His left buttock is missing!
“They almost got me,” he said. “It was real close, I tell you.”
But the Britannia spokesperson Woot-Woot, even when confronted with this eye witness testimony, dismissed it derisively, saying only, “Well, that evidence is half-arsed, ain’t it?”
– Investigative Reporting by DeadBob
War Hero Vindicated
Today marks a triumphant day for an unsung hero whose name was finally vindicated and came about as a result of some very unusual circumstances. While browsing an antiquities shop, Thomas Brower discovered a carved figurine in uniform that strongly resembled himself. What followed, was a personal quest that would eventually clear his father’s name. Thomas’ father, Marcus Brower had long suffered the stigma of having been named a deserter in the war against Minax’s forces and he and his family would endure the slurs of the locals, calling him a coward and a traitor. Sadly, Marcus claimed that he could not recall what happened in those days, and those facts would remain shrouded in mystery until the discovery of the figurine. The carving was that of his own father, Thomas had learned from the shop owner, as well as the name of artist who had created it. Thomas then travelled to meet with the artist, who was a survivor of the massacre at Paws. When the artist discovered with whom he was speaking, he promised to make a concerted effort to locate other survivors, so that the story could be told. And what a story it was. When Corporal Brower arrived at Paws 35 years prior, he was a scout sent on a mission to report back enemy troop numbers and armament. Slipping past enemy patrols and guards, he came upon a hamlet with survivors numbering no more that 30, as Minax’s troops systematically eliminated anyone deemed a possible threat. The remainder were those with no martial training; tailors, cooks, artists, etc. It was those individuals that he would secretly rally to use their own knowledge and talents to deliver a crushing blow against the town’s occupiers and avenge the deaths of the slaughtered villagers. Enemy forces in Paws were gathering as a spearhead against Trinsic. In the time that he remained concealed in the village, Brower was able to coordinate several acts of covert sabotage. Working with the miller, they let slip a concealed location cache of deliberately tainted grain, which the enemy forces were willing to utilize for their own rations. With the assistance of a local artist, Brower had maps drawn to replace the ones the enemy would be using to coordinate the attack against Trinsic. Heavy seige equipment and calvary would be bogged down in swamps not appearing on the new maps. Travel routes would pass through lizardmen encampments. When the spearhead was launched a smaller retinue remained behind as a safety measure. Brower’s luck did not hold out as he was captured following an inspection of the village, resulting in a brutal interrogation that rendered him comatose. Inspired by Brower’s example, the village tailor fabricated two uniforms closely modeling the ones worn by the occupying forces. Two volunteers donned the uniforms and attempted to carry the injured scout to a safe location, but were unable to carry him past enemy lines, due to guards posted around the perimeter of town. The town’s coffinmaker proposed the unique solution of placing Brower’s unconscious body in a coffin, and conspicuously carrying the coffin for burial outside the town limits. However, guards insisted upon accompanying the burial party, and Marcus Brower was buried and remained so for 2 days, when two villagers slipped past the posted guards in the night and were able to disinter him. The two faithfully delivered their charge to a nearby hermitage, where he was presumed to have been treated for his injuries. The two men returned from their errand back to the village so as not to arouse suspicion. Soon afterwards, the spearhead failed, the war ended, and the people of Paws often wondered whatever happened to the hero who came to their village.
Brownies Mix Up Trouble in Yew
Brownie workers are in custody after a string of incidents following their departure from their previous employment with a popular footwear firm. By a consensus, the idle band decided to try their hand at an entirely new business enterprise, when Yew foresters discovered the group attempting to haul an oven into a yew tree, which had been conveniently carved out for the purposes of establishing a cookie factory. The brownies asserted that they attempted to go through proper channels but were thwarted at every turn. However, town locals countered that the devious group made every attempt to circumvent proper procedure, even going so far as listing their business as “elven run” to curry favor with Heartwood denizens. Nana the sweet at the Jolly Baker pointed at a framed scroll on wall of her bakery as she stated. “This is a charter from Lord British, himself, for this establishment to serve as Yew’s provisioner of baked goods, and we meet the needs of this town quite adequately without having to jockey against a bunch of foreigners, thank you very much.” Eric Flamell, a resident woodsman had been cutting firewood, when he confronted the brownies during a previous attempt to gut out one of the ancient, giant yews. The woodcutter who was livid, expressed concern that their reckless activities might compromise a key support keeping Heartwood aloft, resulting in unecessary elven casualties; threatening to report them to the foresters if they persisted. But the warning went unheeded, and they moved on to yet another location to pursue their obsession. In the aftermath, foresters felt that a horrible tragedy had been adverted with ovens, trees, and feckless feys making a sure recipe for disaster. Legal counsel has prepared an amnesty deal for the brownie group, provided that they never return to the region. The chief spokesman for the brownie group seemed affable to the deal and is looking at future prospects of converting ore carts into concession stands for the hungry lunch crowds in the mining town of Minoc.
TRAVELOGUE
Tiny Terrors
To some they can be more annoying than those who insist upon sparring with thier horses or cats at the public bank. They are notorious for slipping out of the hidden, dark places, waylaying adventurers and stealing foodstuffs from backpacks. Roaming in packs as numerous as ratmen, they are seldom ever seen, but the gremlins are scattered throughout the lands causing all sorts of mischief. Very few notice the shenanigans that they have committed over the years unless you count the incident where the gremlins stripped the grapes from the arbors; much to the chagrin of the monks. To this day, the Yew winery still contains a magical chest to protect the plants and keep the gremlins at bay. One of the latest deviltries, for which they are said to be responsible is sneaking around at night and vexing cartographers by replacing the treasure maps that had been already decoded with new ones. So clever are they at concealing themselves, many insist that they are just a myth. But, more than one argument has erupted between close allies as a result of some item either planted or deliberately misplaced for the gremlin’s personal entertainment. These pests have been lurking around since the dawn of time and will probably continue to forever plague mankind with their hijinks. So, be wary even in the safety of your homes when it comes to these tiny terrors.
CLASSIFIEDS
On behalf of Clan Chitter, we’d like to thank Tammy Knockers and Eugene for allowing us to be part of your special day by sending us all of that wedding cake. Very rarely are we sent anything of value from the upper world, (bulk order deeds mainly) so you can imagine how flattered we were to receive such wonderous treats. Why not consumate your marriage in a honeymoon suite which we would be happy to provide? We wish to offer a complimentary set of prospector tools as a small token of our appreciation. Again, Tammy and Eugene, congratulations and may your first litter be a healthy one.
Love, Rakktavi
ADVERTISEMENTS
Why is the Yew Times the most purchased newspaper in Britannia? We asked our readers and this is what they had to say:
The pages of the Yew Times is twice as absorbant as the competitor’s. One page is enough to wrap an entire sea bass, and one issue will last me an entire week of sales.
– Pavel the Fishmonger
The Yew Times is wonderful. Not only do I start off my morning with it, but it it keeps a body warm at night.
-George the homeless beggar
SURVIVAL GUIDE
Not only is the rune beetle a valuable ally to the tamer, with it’s poisonous bite and tough exoskeleton, but they are also quite the attraction at sporting events. In a group, the glowing letters on their backs can be used to spell out a favorite team name or the fans’ favorite rallying slogan.
ARTS AND LIVING
Good Day, Readers,
My name is Corinthian, and as one of the writers of the Yew Times,
I’d like to dedicate this segment to a very close personal friend of mine,
my virtue armor, who gets picked on all the time. So today, I wrote a song
about him.
Oh, virtue armor, you can’t wait to assist.
You give me 70 in every resist.
And no other armor will I ever don,
because you sparkle for me when I put you on.
You’re full of virtue, all righteous and pure
a hundred percent blessed; no need to insure
You’ve always been there, right at my side
and waiting in my pack whenever I’ve died.
I save tons of gold on any repairs.
because you fix yourself; no other armor compares
You are full plate armor that won’t make a sound,
and give me away when I sneak around.
In order to complete you, I had to go on a quest,
and as far as quests go, it was the best.
It had sex and adventure, and even romance,
And I’d do it again, if I had the chance.
Oh, virtue armor, you are awesome.
HOROSCOPES
This month’s generic horoscope:
You are warm and personable and somewhat aloof. Your favorite colors are red, yellow, green, orange, blue, purple, and indigo. You are an adventurous free-spirit and prefer to stay at home and read a good book. You occupy your time thinking of all the hobbies that are all out there to do. You become stressed when you do not get your way, and you will never get your way. Not ever. Be first open-minded to the advice of others, then dismiss it out of hand. They don’t know you. Practice what you preach at least 20 percent of the time. Meditate daily at the shrine of choas so that you may find the path to chaotic enlightenment, and look for good bargains whenever you can.
Bonus horoscope:
As you lay face down in the dirt under a small mob of pixies, you vow to probe further the necromantic arts to divine a reason the fates have conspired to kick you in the gonads.
