Written by members of the UO community
Issue 2 – Edition 3
WORLD NEWS
Alchemist Labors for Naught
It was 12 years ago, that the great intellect and alchemist, Vig Parthus the Accomplished addressed the public before barring the door to his lab. He bid that no one disturb his work, for when he finally emerged from his bailiwick, he would present to the people that which mankind had been searching for since the beginning of time. After a decade of respecting the mages request, a concerned citizen determined that something was amiss, since no one had been bringing food to the alchemist for all those years. When the body was finally recovered, it was already in an advanced state of decomposition. There is only speculation of what Vig had been working on that would be such a boon to mankind. Scholars pointed out that Vig must have been working on a potion that would turn base metals into gold. Politicians were hoping for an elixir that they could give to their wives to make them believe their lies whenever they cheated on them. Women-folk lamented that they would never see the wonder-soap that would soften their hands while doing dishes.
Nuisance Charge Ends With Unusual Twist
It was a day of ordeals for Pepe, a young shepherd that tended the flocks in the Magincian fields. When he began to give the hue and cry of “Wolf! Wolf!”, all those within earshot came running to investigate. When the townsfolk asked for the reason for the alarm, the young herdsman appeared puzzled, according to witnesses. The assembled individuals dispersed, when the cry rose up again, and they returned yet again to find no wolf within the vicinity. This incident was repeated until the guards were called and the shepherd was charged with constituting a public nuisance. The young herdsman was questioned about some empty bottles of alcohol found in his lunch area, and vociferously denied that he had ever seen them. His employer arrived on the scene and upon hearing the news, discharged the worker on the spot. That night, the entire flock had disappeared without a trace. Fortunately for the young shepherd, he had been incarcerated at the time, or else would have been considered a primary suspect in the crime. Pepe has been released on his own recognizance following a witness coming forward with information as to the actual perpetrators involved in the crime. Allegedly, a ninja by the name of Mmmm Falafels and his sheep rustling associates have been assuming the wolf animal form and stealthing around the Yew sheep pens, baiting animal herders with the same scheme.
CURRENT NEWS
Cupid’s Vacation?
After weeks of pondering upon the upcoming holiday, Cupid lamented on how mortals had forgotten the gods of the lands. Almost everyone knows Cupid’s name only on Valentine’s Day because of his legendary deeds: spreading the spirit of love in the lands. Cupid grew curious of what humans would do if granted the power of inspiring love upon each other. He looked down at the toy arrows in Voluptas’s quiver and had of an idea. His daughter’s arrows were made to only affect people who were already in love with each other. Cupid’s contrived to leave an arrow for each person in Sosaria the night before Valentine’s Day and observe how they would use them. He also included a statue molded in his likeness as a hint to the present’s sender. The very next day he sat back with interest as he observed his handiwork. Many used the arrows on a loved one, others shot anyone and everyone within sight, while some even discarded them thoughtlessly. “Either way,” Cupid thought to himself, “At least they all know that the god of desire, affection and erotic love still lives.”
The Origin of Saint Patrick’s Day
In a distant land, in a time long forgotten, lived a man by the name of Saint Patrick; or Saint for short. Saint liked to wear pointy hats and dress in green and was well known throughout the town. One evening while he was tossing back a few cold ones at the tavern, he heard a great wailing and lamenting from the other drunkards. “The silver serpents are ruining the spawn,” they said. “There are far too many of them and their deadly poison kills far too quickly. They don’t even carry any decent loot!” So, Saint resolved to deal with the problem and armed himself with his snake slayer shillelagh with +25 swing speed increase and travelled the land, ridding it of the troublesome vipers. It took many real-time hours, but Saint finally managed to accomplish this Herculean task. He discretely returned to the tavern, and eavesdropped on the local conversations. “That Saint guy is a total tool. He is ruining the natural dye trade,” they cried. “You can’t get Silver Serpent venom anymore, and the vendors in Dublin are charging a mil per vial.” Then was Saint shamed, for he had not considered the consequences of his actions. He rose from his barstool and addressed the other barflies. He said, “I shall make amends for my careless actions, though I acted with good intent. So, today and on the anniversary of this day, there shall be a great celebration, and I will pay for all of the booze. We shall start drinking from sunrise, and parade through the streets. We shall start a custom of throwing beads to drunken strumpets so that they flash their dirty pillows to oggling bystanders….” And it is told that they spent the entire evening in the tavern, collaborating on these ideas until the first one fell asleep. Then those remaining drew lewd phrases and pictures onto the sleeping individual’s face then departed the tavern at dawn…snickering. It is told that these were the humble beginnings of Saint Patrick’s Day.
PAGE 3
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TRAVELOGUE
The Prison of Wrong
Wrong is an underground prison that the Yew Court utilized years ago during the days when Justice was considered that the accused were guilty until proven otherwise. A relic of a forgotten era; it was and is still one of the most feared prisons in the land due to the many souls that had died there. Deep within the prison is a torture room, which most can only imagine what horrors had occurred there, or even the purpose to create such a room. Even the kitchen doesn’t seem to have been sanitary enough for human purposes, so it is questionable what was served to prisoners in the past. There are also no known records of their crimes or even of who were incarcerated there. They seem to have been lost or crumbled away with the passing of time. The ancient and long abandoned prison complex is located at the western shores of Lost Hope Bay. Humanoids and beasts have taken up residency in the old prison for their own reasons. Is something drawing the brigands and other cruel beings to inhabit the dungeon of Wrong, or is there something hidden there over the years since it was last run as a prison… besides all the lost hopes of its prisoners? We may never know.
ADVERTISEMENTS
Keep the Magic of Winter Alive
The snows will be disappearing soon, but you can still keep some of that winter magic trapped all year round inside our limited edition snowglobe. The Sosarian Mint Collection brings you our latest addition, ‘Winter Memories of Destard.” Crafted of fine frostwood, each figurine in the scene is painstakingly hand painted in such detail that they almost come to life. You can make out every detail of the tiny adventurers; their brows tinged with the sweat of desperation and fear as they flee for their lives from the dungeon. You can see the panicked look in their eyes as they search for the nearest snow pile to douse the flames erupting from their clothing. Each snowglobe is a delight to behold, and for only 4 payments of 2500 gold, it can be yours. If you act now, you can also order for 30 days, two favorites, “Liches Ate My Heart in Deceit” and “PK Gangbang in Covetous.” If you wish, you can receive your set all at once. Best order with Grandmastercharge, Britannian Express or COD with a 10 gp service charge.
Let Us Take Care of Dinner Tonight!!!
If there’s a seafood lover in you, then you should try the seafood restaurant that received the Golden Conch award two years running. At Buster’s Crabs, we have a great atmosphere and a friendly staff who are here to make you feel welcome. This week’s special is our irresistable Walrus Steaks. We select the finest and laziest walruses on the tundra and club them to perfection. Only when they are at the peak of tenderness, do we ice pack them for shipment and grill them up for you. If you are looking for a family dining experience, why not invite your parents out for one of our weekend specials. We have a Beachcomber™ platter that mom will enjoy and a Hooker™ that will put a smile on dad’s face. Or, why not just invite out a whole gang of friends? We hope you bring enough of them and your appetites, because we offer the one ton steamed Scalis Party Claw™**, lowered onto your table by block and tackle. But, please remember to place a reservation a week in advance so we can begin cooking it.
** Giant tub of melted butter 15,000 gold extra.
HUMOR
Crime and Punishment
Judge: You have stood before me five times already.
Thief: Your honor, when I like a fellow, I like to give him all my business.
Leg Up
Beggar: Can you help me out, sir. As you can see, I’ve lost my leg.
Nobleman: Sorry, I haven’t seen it. Have you tried putting an ad in the classifieds?
Stumble Inn
Guest: Does the water always come through the roof like that?
Innkeeper: No sir, only when it rains.
CLASSIFIEDS
I need help with a problem. I have a house in the woods a short distance from a reaper. For the most part, I have always kept a safe distance. A few days ago, there was a storm and the reaper was uprooted and blown onto its back. By the way, they do make a sound when they fall over when no one is around. This one has been crying out “Why?!! Why?!!” for three straight days and I have not been able to get a wink of sleep since. I would be perfectly willing to pay a good 30 gold pieces to anyone who will put the thing out of its misery. I would do it myself, but I’m afraid it will try to fireball me. If you are interested in making some pocket money, I live in a small plaster 2 story by the waterfall in Yew. The reaper is screaming pretty loud, so it’s easy to locate.
If you crave falafel, drop by for the grand opening of ‘Thanks for Mutton’; the first falafel stand in the land. We are conveniently located next to the Britain moongate, open from 10 am to 10pm 7 days a week.
If you are vertically challenged and mentally stable, then a future employment opportunity is within your grasp. We are looking for an individual to don the outfit and play a leprechaun for our St Patrick’s Day Celebration. Your duties will be to keep the party going and do leprechaun related things like dancing jigs and singing songs about drinking. If the party starts to lose momentum, you might start a conga line or whatever your little heart desires. No one will pick you up and throw you, unless you enjoy that sort of thing; in which case people will pick you up and throw you. Please, be mentally stable. We are still paying for the error in judgement in getting a giant turkey drunk at the last Thanksgiving party. We are looking for a jovial to sometimes sassy leprechaun; not an angry, bottle-smashing, groin-punching, stabby leprechaun. Other than that, it is all you can drink. There is expected to be plenty of trampy wenches present, so even a leprechaun should have no problem ‘getting lucky’ that night. Interested parties should apply in person at the mayor’s office in Yew.
ARTS AND LIVING
Caveat Emptor
It appears that the Blacksmiths and Tailors have been holding out on us when it comes to handing out the better Bulk Orders Deeds. Those looking to get their hands on tapestries, exotic rugs and finer wares had better be willing to cross some palms with coin. These smooth operators will tell you that it is due to hard times, but it just seems to be a “sign of the times” where everyone is out to rob other people’s nests while feathering their own.
This Month’s Horoscope
The Peddler-January
You have a dream of building a ladder to the stars. That way, you can probably catch them naked in their dressing rooms.
The Mongbat-February
When the police ask you, tell them that you like to dig holes as a past time. They’ll believe that.
The Phoenix-March
Take advantage of that urge to control everything and everyone around you. People will be very stupid and predictable, so feel free to second guess them. You’ll be glad that you did.
The Sea Dragon-April
Your actions effect people’s lives as a stone creates ripples in a pond. However, directly pushing people into ponds is far more fun though. just pondering..
The Hermit-May
When things are not going well, a voice in your head will sometimes say “Why me?” Then another voice will say “Because you’re an idiot! Everyone hates you!” Then the first voice will begin crying, and this will go on for the rest of the day.
The Llama-June
Do you know what’s crazy? Trying to overextend yourself far beyond your emotion limits. That, and some guy in an loincloth running around with an cleaver.
The Ancient Wyrm-July
Don’t be afraid to share your hopes and your dreams with those close to you. Why not also share your inner demons with them as well? And why just limit sharing those feelings with those close to you when complete strangers would do just as well?
The Anvil-August
Finishing an important task is an unlikely prospect today. You are beset by numerous obstacles, and general delays that follow no pattern. Rather than judge yourself too harshly, realize that evil forces are conspiring against you.
The Weaver-September
You will be stuck in a confined space with a smelly and unattractive individual in the near future. Could this be the soulmate you’ve been searching for all your life?
The Wisp-October
When you have sunk to the most abysmal depths and things seem most hopeless, someone special will step into your life and remind you of how hopeless your situation is.
The Unicorn-November
When drinking excessively, leave the crossbow at home. The other wedding guests will thank you
The Wanderer-December
You wil be pinned under a fallen tree in the woods this week. The good news is that you will not be alone,as 5,000 others that got this same horoscope will be pinned under the same tree right next to you.